zooey deschanel: is that rain?
iphone: no. that's actually acid falling from the sky.
zooey deschanel: let's get tomato soup delivered!
iphone: there are restaurants that deliver tomato soup? you've got to be kidding me. wait, no. yep. there sure are.
zooey deschanel: good, cause i don't want to put on real shoes.
iphone: yeah, i'd hate for you to ruin your new pair of toms.
zooey deschanel: remind me to clean up... tomorrow.
iphone: i'll do anything to get you to leave me the fuck alone.
zooey deschanel: excellent. today, we're dancing. play 'shake, rattle and roll.'
iphone: first let me download a gold star for you and your offbeat song choices. you sure know how to move to the beat of your own drum, zooey!
A dramatic Shakespearean response to every situation
When something bad happens: True is it that we have seen better days.
When something REALLY bad happens: O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! Most lamentable day. Most woeful day That ever, ever I did yet behold! O day, O day, O day! O hateful day! Never was seen so black a day as this.O woeful day! O woeful day!
When people say that something is wrong because the Bible says so: The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
When my girlfriend abandons me for food: FRAILTY, THY NAME IS WOMAN!
When someone doesn't thank me for holding the door open for them: BLOW, BLOW, BLOW, THOU WINTER WIND! THOU ART NOT SO UNKIND AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE!
When I burn something while cooking: MY CAKE IS DOUGH!
When human stupidity frustrates me: LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!
When someone says I'm going to hell for my sins: NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBER'D.
When I'm broke: My pride fell with my fortunes
When someone turns the light on after a period of darkness and blinding light ensues: OH, SHE DOTH TEACH THE TORCHES TO BURN BRIGHT!
When someone disagrees with me: THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, HORATIO, THEN ARE DREAMT OF IN YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
When I argue with my girlfriend: The course of true love never did run smooth.
When I'm embarrassed: MUST I HOLD A CANDLE TO MY SHAMES?!
Someone says "Good Night": Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.
teacher: don't write on your desk
this kid: but i was-
me: THAT
this kid: what
me: IS
this kid: but i-
me: MAHOGANY
Amazing.
Seventeen: You've said girls should embrace their curves. Why did you think it important to make that statement?
Jennifer Lawrence: When I was playing Mystique in X-Men, I remember thinking, If I'm going to be naked in paint in front of the entire world, I'm going to look like a woman. I'm going to have curves and have boobs and have a butt. Because girls are going to look at that, and if I look like a scarecrow, they are going to think, Oh, that's normal. It's not normal. I'm just so sick of these young girls with diets. I remember when I was 13 and it was cool to pretend to have an eating disorder because there were rumors that Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie were anorexic. I thought it was crazy. I went home and told my mom, "Nobody's eating bread--I just had to finish everyone's burgers". I think it's really important for girls to have people to look up to and feel good about themselves.
